I am starting to pay attention

Today I had one of those God thing interventions. I am in a city that hosts about 90,000 people during high season. The traffic is thick and the grocery stores are insanely congested. In two days, I have made it to two different beaches. My goal is to try the multiple beaches out and do it for free. So today, after discussing my goal with my drunken  neighbor Packer fans, I ventured to Little Hickory Island Beach. GPS said 9 miles away but a twenty minute drive. I guess GPS understands it's high season here because the time to travel  was exact. I arrived early enough to see two parking lots, one with direct access to the beach and one across the street. I chose the across the street parking based on my recollection of the conversation with the cheese heads.  After parking I cautiously read the signs in the lot. There was no kiosk to pay to park yet the signs didn't indicate free. Throwing caution to the wind, I grabbed my beach chair and walked across the street to the beach. The direct access lot had the greedy kiosk charging 2 bucks an hour to park and I grinned at myself for taking the time to walk thirty steps across the street for free parking. I surveyed the lot and was happy to see restrooms and showers. A few couples were sitting near the restrooms, I assumed waiting to use them. Within 2 minutes of exiting my car, I was firmly planted on the beach with my nifty beach chair. This beach chair has a nice head cushion, side pocket that is insulated for keeping drinks cool and reclines into four different positions. I am the envy of beach goers, I feel it. Settling in with my sunscreen on and book out, I had a sudden attack of anxiety. Did I leave my  new COACH wristlet purse thingy visible in my truck?  Without hesitation, I trekked back to the car and took that little wristlet and hid it in my console...remembering my occupational roots.

Walking back across the street, I decided that using the restroom was in order so I could settle back into my peaceful place without the next interruption. I know the beach souls were shaking their heads saying can't she just settle down?  As I approached the restroom, I noticed a couple sitting at the near picnic table. The man had his head down, peering into his cell phone and the woman was curiously looking at me. Immediately I checked the status of my new bathing suit, no camel toe...check, no girls hanging out..check. Feeling somewhat self conscious, I glanced again at the man with head down. In a town of 90,000 people, I realized I knew this man. He appeared thinner and younger...wait his head is down...maybe it's not....approaching closer...his significant other realized I was staring at her man..I quietly said "I know your husband."  At that moment he looked up and it was a former colleague from the Illinois Department of Corrections. Two days in a city where I thought no one knew my name and he exclaimed loudly, "Hello Chief Denning!"  I quickly reintroduced myself as Deb and to make a long story short, we made plans for happy hour at 5 pm. They gave me quick instructions on casual attire and a pick up in their convertible. Between the time our meting, my new friend texted me to move the happy hour up, to give me visual on what she was wearing, and to say she was excited about getting to know me better. I was familiar with her husband but her attentiveness made me feel at ease for our happy hour event. They arrived promptly and made me feel warm and at ease.

  Throughout the evening, we shared few IDOC stories and focused on the typical "tell me about your family, your plans for the future, and what are your interests." They did not have an awkward silence when I gave them the now rehearsed answer of "I don't know what I want next or who I am, or what my interests are." Instead my new woman friend nodded kindly and said, "I totally understand, and you will experience an adventure in finding out." I felt an instant peace with her. There is something to be said with getting to know someone who has no preconceived notions about you. After dinner and a drink, my new friends took me for an hour and a half drive of the area, pointing out their favorite restaurants, happy hours, shopping malls, and grocery stores. Everything was an adventure to them and I took great pleasure at being immersed in their enthusiasm. I mentioned some of the beaches, sites, and restaurants that I had researched...to which she enthusiastically exclaimed, "Oh call me, I will drive us there in my convertible." She was genuine, she was warm, she was adventuresome, and she was infectiously happy.

As I recapped the night in my quiet bedroom, I realized I was led to this woman for a reason. Knowingly or unknowingly to her, she handed me a lesson... look at discovering yourself as an adventure. Open your eyes and enjoy the ride. She held a key, she held peace and happiness in her heart. Our paths crossing was not by chance but by destiny. She was one of those souls who had a message and I am beginning to listen.

Tails from the Beach

I feel like my life is in a metamorphosis stage.  Hell, I don't feel it, I know it. Some folks live their whole lives and don't even realize when life lessons present themselves. When I feel this way, I have the flight syndrome.  I need to escape, need to clear my head, and need to find my peaceful place. If you have explored this blog, you can see that the ocean is my spiritual temple.  I feel the souls there, replenishing their energy. I feel a higher power there when I listen to the sounds of the ocean and feel the sea air on my face. 

So this is my second escape to my spiritual temple in two months.  The November trip taught me a lot about  facing fear. It also served me up closure for the death of my brother.  I had been angry with him and didn't want to look at the core issues that related to his death.  I knew what they were, I just didn't want to ingest them. In doing so, it reopened wounds I thought were sealed over from my family of origin. I took the history book off of the shelf, opened it and allowed myself to read it one more time.  This time, a new chapter formed where my brother's pain finally ended. At his own hands. 

He visited me that week and guided me to closure.  He is at peace and has a peace that he  never felt in his earthly life.  For that I am grateful and I feel a sense of peace when I think of him.

Here I am, again, at the beach.  This time for a three month journey.  A journey to find a peaceful place with where I am at this very minute and who I will become next.   As I sat at the beach today, I asked God to allow me to decompress from my career, from my relationships, and from my self imposed anxiety.  The most difficult journey will be the self imposed path. I realize that about myself and will try not to dwell on my failures with my distant friend, the mirror.

As I opened my eyes after my conversation with my higher power, I stared right at a man with white shorts on (not even swim trunks).  His shorts were soaked and he badly needed a Brazilian wax. That tells you what body part was right in my face.  I thought, God really does have a sense of humor.  That furry white tailed man was put right in front of me to say "Lighten up."

There is a theme in these chapters if you look hard enough.  A word that is used more than any of the other words.  PEACE.   Yes this journey is again about PEACE...and about finding the silliness again.  Finding the things that make me giggle and smile.  They are here, all around me, I just have to pay attention.  So while you are all surrounded by a sea of white, remember that I saw white too today...at the beach...and it will forever be engrained in my memory.

PEACE OUT.

Thoughts from the beach...

I believe we have choices in life, lay in wait for the next crisis or flip the switch. It's like singing on a boat during a terrible storm at sea. You can't stop the raging storm, but can change the hearts and spirits of the people who are together on that ship.  Terrible life events happen, we can't avoid them, we have to survive them but in that period that we are fighting for survival, we grasp at the one anchor that keeps us afloat. It can be a person, a place, an activity, or a thing. It seems like a simple principle but when the pain is overwhelming, it is hard to make the proper selection. When you lose power, you have to take in a challenge to gain power again. When I say power, I mean personal power. Pick a phobia and conquer it. I drove over 5 bridges to get to my peaceful place. I was angry, heart broken, and in crisis. I sang "ROAR" at the top of my lungs over each bridge and then I "mother fucked" that bridge when I got over it. I gained power by staring my fear in the face. I also gained tense, arthritic hands. I told myself I was brave. I acknowledged that I could find some strength in overcoming a fear that was tangible to me. It pushed the other fears to a lesser level if only for the one minute it took to cross that bridge. It wasn't about the bridge really, it was about not letting fear confine me.  So many people are paralyzed by fear at some point in their lives, it's how they choose to process, evaluate, and strategize to resolve the fear. I'm sure any rational person who would've heard my singing with Katy Perry over those bridges and then defiantly cursing that bridge as I sailed over it would've though this woman has a real need for a white coat with no sleeve openings. It didn't matter, I flipped the switch. More importantly I recognize that I was able to do it. I found a way to give myself some power back. A way to lead me to my peace, the sea. 

I tend to have social anxiety when in new situations. I checked in via a lock box, had lunch alone ( not so bad, I spent time on trip advisor researching the area), and completed my grocery shopping for the week. I had a nice pep in my step because again, I recognized an accomplishment for someone who is not normally confident in new surroundings. I packed my beach chair and necessities and I headed down to seek my peace. Oh how the smell of the ocean and roar of the sea intoxicate me to a level that two glasses of Merlot could never match. I confidently strolled to the gate to the pool (as the beach walkway was through the pool area), I lifted the gate and nothing. Now I am not the most mechanically inclined so I tried it again and it didn't "open sesame." Then I notice a pin pad next to the gate.  Ugh oh, I punch in my condo number and nothing. I looked around for help, no one. I walked to the condo parking lot and tried to plot my alternate route to the beach. There is no alternate route as each condominium complex has the same secure system. So here I stand ready to be blown away at the beauty of nature and be seduced into peace and all I can feel is pure agitation. This process was counterproductive to the solace that was at my fingertips. I felt my heart racing and the social anxiety panic set in. So I walked the condominium property again, thinking I missed something. Nothing, again the agitation rising. Then it hit me, I didn't take the time to do the real work..to read the instruction packet. Begrudgingly, I got back on the loud, squeaky elevator, beach chair and paraphernalia in tow and took the walk of shame to unit 605. As I used my key to enter, I began to laugh at myself and the anxiety I caused myself by being impatient and not reading  the instructions. There in the packet, plain as day was the pool code, 5300. All of this musing leads me to a point, it's a healing step to recognize and laugh at the situations when we create our own anxiety. Half the battle is evaluating the reason the anxiety occurred. In the majority of my scenarios, I cause my own anxiety by not doing the real work. By taking the short cut because I can envision the reward too quickly. I'm like most hedonists, I seek pleasure and I seek soothing and I don't want to do the real work to get there. Then I'm forced to laugh at myself because nothing worth enjoying is achieved through a rushed effort. It only leaves you with more anxiety and much more confused. 

I made a friend already. He is Nathan and he is 5. He was fishing with his Dad in the ocean. I enjoyed watching his Father cast his line and then his miniature silhouette haphazardly but successfully cast his line as well. His father would get a strong hit on the line and then lose his focus because he was enamored watching his son. Each time he attempted to reel in the fish, he lost it. Not once did she show frustration, he just patiently re baited the hook and efficiently cast out the line again. I was struck at his kindness and patience to his son. The fishing expedition wasn't about the sport, it was about being together.  Sharing a combined activity. It was obvious Nathan adored his father and his father adored him. One other great feature of sharing the beach with you. How do I know his name was Nathan? Because he eventually got bored and out of the ten people sitting in the area, he trotted right to me. He said his name was Nathan and he thought chocolate covered raisins looked like rabbit turds. It's all a matter of perspective. I think they taste like them too so I suspect Nathan and I will become great friends again tomorrow.

 

Monster Mash

There's a monster in my closet. It's been there as long as I can remember, taunting me. Try as I might, I can't exterminate the little bugger.  You can try to tame the monster and at times, think you have defeated it.  Certainly tucking it away gives me the illusion of holding power over it. Just like any monster, it can reveal itself at inaapropriate times. Generally when I let my spin start. That's when that   FURRY lil creature comes on out for an onstage performance. Funny thing is, we hide the monster thinking no one can relate to the one eyed, six horned,scaly beast. No one can know what lives within us because feeling human doesn't feel natural so we tuck it away next to our moth balled sweaters and our Birkenstocks..

I can see in the dark, I know that once we meet each other's monsters, we are very much alike. We've all reacted or thought the same things.   This is our path, embrace our lil creatures.... It's a MASH, a monster MASH.

Vigilante Justice

Ever been trapped in a room with a person who finds fault with E V E R Y T H I N G?  It's brutal to listen to them crowing on and on about the inadequacies of others, all the while wearing their superiority complex like a SUPERMAN "S" on their red and blue shirt. I have two conflicting reactions to this. The first, totally unacceptable one, is to ninja kick them in their narcissistic nose. The second is to retreat into my kalediscope blanket tent, complete with couch cushions. Leaving the loud mouth, judgemental creature to reveal themselves kin to a donkey.

Frankly, the choice is mine and I own the outcome. Hold on a minute while I get my Wonder Woman bangle bracelets.

It gives me pause

Try as we might to make sense of tragedies like school shootings, there are more questions than answers. I'm an observer by nature. Theories regarding mental illness, gun control, and a "Godless" world befuddle us.

One thing I know is that it got our attention. It caused us to pause and look into the eyes of our children, smile at strangers, and commit to our faith that God has a revelation for us. Perhaps pain and sorrow must come before that stream of consciousness. The conscious thought that each one of us as individuals define as the lesson of the tragedy.

My eyes saw families going through horror with grace. My heart said I need to love more tenderly and listen to the lessons I have been taught, be a helper. It all comes back to the wisdom of a 4 year old.

My mind has leapt into my own reality.  For me, the world was moving too quickly and being self absorbed caused me to look down, tragedy shattered that mode...my eyes are seeing again. It's time to hold out my hand, listen a little more, and embrace the nudge in my soul.  I'm not lost.  I am listening,  I am obedient, and I choose to stand in the light.

After all, I am a helper.

I'm baaaaaaacccckkk

Facebook got me a lil distracted....  It's funny looking back to my prediction of 2011 being a year of change, well yes it was. My final step up at work towards the final destination. FINAL, it has so many meanings but in this sense..it means coming to the end of that garden path flowing with roses and thorns. Contemplating the next fork in the road. Speaking of forks, I rely less on one these days.  Thankful for a successful weight loss surgery which has given me a new, healthy, outlook on life. As they say, LIFE IS GOOD. It has been years since I have chose to pause on me.  I did it and now I can't stop. Looking forward to my new path.