Thoughts from the beach...

I believe we have choices in life, lay in wait for the next crisis or flip the switch. It's like singing on a boat during a terrible storm at sea. You can't stop the raging storm, but can change the hearts and spirits of the people who are together on that ship.  Terrible life events happen, we can't avoid them, we have to survive them but in that period that we are fighting for survival, we grasp at the one anchor that keeps us afloat. It can be a person, a place, an activity, or a thing. It seems like a simple principle but when the pain is overwhelming, it is hard to make the proper selection. When you lose power, you have to take in a challenge to gain power again. When I say power, I mean personal power. Pick a phobia and conquer it. I drove over 5 bridges to get to my peaceful place. I was angry, heart broken, and in crisis. I sang "ROAR" at the top of my lungs over each bridge and then I "mother fucked" that bridge when I got over it. I gained power by staring my fear in the face. I also gained tense, arthritic hands. I told myself I was brave. I acknowledged that I could find some strength in overcoming a fear that was tangible to me. It pushed the other fears to a lesser level if only for the one minute it took to cross that bridge. It wasn't about the bridge really, it was about not letting fear confine me.  So many people are paralyzed by fear at some point in their lives, it's how they choose to process, evaluate, and strategize to resolve the fear. I'm sure any rational person who would've heard my singing with Katy Perry over those bridges and then defiantly cursing that bridge as I sailed over it would've though this woman has a real need for a white coat with no sleeve openings. It didn't matter, I flipped the switch. More importantly I recognize that I was able to do it. I found a way to give myself some power back. A way to lead me to my peace, the sea. 

I tend to have social anxiety when in new situations. I checked in via a lock box, had lunch alone ( not so bad, I spent time on trip advisor researching the area), and completed my grocery shopping for the week. I had a nice pep in my step because again, I recognized an accomplishment for someone who is not normally confident in new surroundings. I packed my beach chair and necessities and I headed down to seek my peace. Oh how the smell of the ocean and roar of the sea intoxicate me to a level that two glasses of Merlot could never match. I confidently strolled to the gate to the pool (as the beach walkway was through the pool area), I lifted the gate and nothing. Now I am not the most mechanically inclined so I tried it again and it didn't "open sesame." Then I notice a pin pad next to the gate.  Ugh oh, I punch in my condo number and nothing. I looked around for help, no one. I walked to the condo parking lot and tried to plot my alternate route to the beach. There is no alternate route as each condominium complex has the same secure system. So here I stand ready to be blown away at the beauty of nature and be seduced into peace and all I can feel is pure agitation. This process was counterproductive to the solace that was at my fingertips. I felt my heart racing and the social anxiety panic set in. So I walked the condominium property again, thinking I missed something. Nothing, again the agitation rising. Then it hit me, I didn't take the time to do the real work..to read the instruction packet. Begrudgingly, I got back on the loud, squeaky elevator, beach chair and paraphernalia in tow and took the walk of shame to unit 605. As I used my key to enter, I began to laugh at myself and the anxiety I caused myself by being impatient and not reading  the instructions. There in the packet, plain as day was the pool code, 5300. All of this musing leads me to a point, it's a healing step to recognize and laugh at the situations when we create our own anxiety. Half the battle is evaluating the reason the anxiety occurred. In the majority of my scenarios, I cause my own anxiety by not doing the real work. By taking the short cut because I can envision the reward too quickly. I'm like most hedonists, I seek pleasure and I seek soothing and I don't want to do the real work to get there. Then I'm forced to laugh at myself because nothing worth enjoying is achieved through a rushed effort. It only leaves you with more anxiety and much more confused. 

I made a friend already. He is Nathan and he is 5. He was fishing with his Dad in the ocean. I enjoyed watching his Father cast his line and then his miniature silhouette haphazardly but successfully cast his line as well. His father would get a strong hit on the line and then lose his focus because he was enamored watching his son. Each time he attempted to reel in the fish, he lost it. Not once did she show frustration, he just patiently re baited the hook and efficiently cast out the line again. I was struck at his kindness and patience to his son. The fishing expedition wasn't about the sport, it was about being together.  Sharing a combined activity. It was obvious Nathan adored his father and his father adored him. One other great feature of sharing the beach with you. How do I know his name was Nathan? Because he eventually got bored and out of the ten people sitting in the area, he trotted right to me. He said his name was Nathan and he thought chocolate covered raisins looked like rabbit turds. It's all a matter of perspective. I think they taste like them too so I suspect Nathan and I will become great friends again tomorrow.